21 and invincible. Passive/Aggressive. Manic/Depressive. Recovering anorexic, orthorexic, and self mutilator. I started this path by choice, and now its taken over, once again. I don't have the energy to try and stop it. I don't like mirrors, and I have scars that make even the most experienced psychiatrists cringe. thats all folks.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
Lesser of 2 evils?
being medicated and gaining weight as a side effect of the meds and working out 3 hours a day/going crazy trying not to be fat so I don’t fall back into my disordered eating habits
OR
not being medicated and potentially slipping back into using cutting as a coping mechanism.
For the record, this is NOT what I imagined my 20s being like. Not at all. I swore I’d be better by now.
Its quickly becoming very apparent..
That I really might not ever be able to have kids. I thought I would be ok with this because I’m not very maternal at all, but HE wants a son, and I might not be able to give him one. I’ve been seeing an OBGYN twice a week for about 2 and a half months who specializes in infertility and so far, I’m still not able to ovulate at all. I know this is awkwardly very personal, but I’m scared.
What’s Eating You
I started watching this tonight and it’s making me anxious. I don’t even know. My doctor told me I should watch it to see how far I’ve come, gave me homework, but I just don’t know.
“When food is your drug, you have to take it in.”
Dance In The Dark // Lady GaGa
A while back, i heard in an interview with GaGa that this song is about women who have such low self esteem about their bodies, they can’t have sex with the lights on, so they “dance in the dark.” She even gives shout-outs to famous people with ED’s/depression (Sylvia Plath, Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe, etc.). Unfortunately, the dark may make things harder to see, but guys still have their sense of touch. Damn.
pretty much how it happened for me as well.
-Madness // Marya Hornbacher
- Tied Together With A Smile // Taylor Swift
Hold on, baby, you’re losing it
The water’s high, you’re jumping into it
And letting go… and no one knows
That you cry, but you don’t tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you’re tied together with a smile
But you’re coming undone
Is there anything worse than your thighs touching after they haven’t?
..I mean, I’ve been in recovery this last time for almost 4 months now…and they aren’t touching yet....but where there used to be a solid 1.5-2 inch gap, is more like half an inch or less. I think I’m just scared that it’s going to trigger another relapse.
