21 and invincible. Passive/Aggressive. Manic/Depressive. Recovering anorexic, orthorexic, and self mutilator. I started this path by choice, and now its taken over, once again. I don't have the energy to try and stop it. I don't like mirrors, and I have scars that make even the most experienced psychiatrists cringe. thats all folks.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
I don’t think that I was ever trying to kill myself, but I knew that if I had ever gone too far, I wouldn’t care.
Dance In The Dark // Lady GaGa
A while back, i heard in an interview with GaGa that this song is about women who have such low self esteem about their bodies, they can’t have sex with the lights on, so they “dance in the dark.” She even gives shout-outs to famous people with ED’s/depression (Sylvia Plath, Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe, etc.). Unfortunately, the dark may make things harder to see, but guys still have their sense of touch. Damn.
I have a friend in plainfield :)
No, I’m serious. Not just a fake friend who I can go shopping and gossip with, but a real friend who just gets me. She understands my suicidal ideations, depressive and manic episodes, and my overall disgust with myself. I haven’t had someone who can relate to me on this level since I left Iowa..its a relief.
I know misery loves company, but this is more along the lines of “if i am in the middle of wanting to stick my head in the oven, she’ll come over and talk me out of it without feeling the need to place me in the psych ward because she knows I’d do the same for her” kind of situation. I think I needed this. I was beginning to think no one around me understood. I will make it.
Oh wow..
i can’t believe i broke my streak. i was doing so well, and then i started looking through old pictures of myself when i was at my lowest weight…
and then i started to cry..i used to be so pretty. I mean, i was a thin, fragile, delicate, and just a pretty girl.
I ruined it. All the potential my parents always told me I had; I had the world in the palm of my hand, and I ruined it.
I’m never going to be that thin, or pretty again..my mom was right. She always told me I was never going to be as skinny or pretty than I was at that very moment, and I just fucked it all up.
Just like that, I had a moment of weakness, and I don’t even remember doing it, but I looked around and I had eaten about 900 calories in about 45 minutes. I binged. For the first time in almost 15 weeks. on food i don’t even like, and then threw up. a lot.
what do i do now?
I don’t think its normal to feel this depressed right before someone gets discharged from rehab. No. I mean, rehab was supposed to make things better, not be a giant rollercoaster of ups and downs. No. Maybe I should stay. When I arrived here, they told me some people get better as fast as 3 weeks, others are here for 6 months. Maybe I’m a 6 month case. Physiologically, I’ve worked my ass off to get healthy, but i’m terrified I won’t live up to everyone’s expectations..maybe if I stay here long enough, they’ll all forget about the girl with so much “potential” and then I can just wither away..maybe?
