Fuck yeah, we can live like this..

being medicated and gaining weight as a side effect of the meds and working out 3 hours a day/going crazy trying not to be fat so I don’t fall back into my disordered eating habits

OR

not being medicated and potentially slipping back into using cutting as a coping mechanism.

For the record, this is NOT what I imagined my 20s being like. Not at all. I swore I’d be better by now. 

I have fallen off the wagon.

Days since I last cut: 191 1

No. You just chose to cut me to pieces with your insults just to plant the seed that will eventually lead me to slice my wrists. I’m not a puppet, I’m not your doll, I’m a person. A fucking adult now.  I’m going to make mistakes, don’t act like you didn’t. You and your fucked up parenting ways lead me to be this way since I was 9. Forgive me for hiding it until I was 15, but 6 years was long enough. 12 years after the first time I cut myself, and you are still going on as if you did nothing wrong, as though this was all my doing, just like I should be the happiest person in the world. I refuse to apologize for not being perfect. I’m fucking miserable. Nothing you can do can go back and undo all the damage the last 21 years have had on me. So now deal with it. You created this monster. After spending 7 years of therapy not letting myself blame anyone but me, all that led to was more and more severe and destructive habits. So now, I’m allowed to blame you, just a little. I didn’t want to for so long, but I am not the only one at fault here. I can’t be. So yes, I AM going to put myself before my family. And yes, I AM going to put my wants and needs before them, you want to know why? Because this family always made me put them before myself, and look what happened. I’m miserable. I hate waking up and knowing I’m still alive. I’m afraid to live because living means working my ass off to meet up to your expectations only to fail and fall harder than before. I am going to put myself before the parents that treated me like their property and took advantage of a girl who was so eager to please others, and so terrified not to do as told, she’d do anything, including cut and starve herself, to feel as though she was her own person, as through she had control over one aspect of the life she hated. I’ve lost control again, over everything besides cutting and starving, so I guess its back to square one. I’m finally home, back to being comfortable in my home of shattered glass, broken mirrors, bloody razors, and pieces of me, scattered all over, never to be put back together again.