21 and invincible. Passive/Aggressive. Manic/Depressive. Recovering anorexic, orthorexic, and self mutilator. I started this path by choice, and now its taken over, once again. I don't have the energy to try and stop it. I don't like mirrors, and I have scars that make even the most experienced psychiatrists cringe. thats all folks.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
At the risk of no one reading this..
..because since being in recovery/healing/being healthy/graduating college I have yet to give this tumblog the attention it deserves..I’m going to say this anyway.
The worst thing a person can do is keep a secret, keep the truth, from themselves. I’ve been doing it for a while, perhaps too long. Pretending I’m ok. Convincing everyone I’m fine, stable, “normal.”
I’m scared. Terrified. I’m going to screw this up, if I haven’t already, and I’m going to end up nowhere fast. But the only thing that terrifies me more than not doing something about it is admitting to the world that I am a fraud. I have become excellent at lying. Pretending to be ok, hiding new wounds, and inventing new ways of hurting.
In my world of “look at me,” or “look at how healthy I am,” “see how wonderful I’m doing?” there isn’t a lot of room for secrets, but I’ve always found the time and the energy to do as I please without regard to anyone or anything else. Maybe this was my problem all along..my lack of concern for others and my underlying selfishness. Unfortunately, if this is the case, the only thing it means is..I still don’t give a damn.
Even the best fall down sometimes.
I have fallen off the wagon.
Days since I last cut: 191 1
“What the fuck is the matter with you? When you were born, you were perfect; clearly you screwed yourself up. I know I didn’t raise you to be like this.”
No. You just chose to cut me to pieces with your insults just to plant the seed that will eventually lead me to slice my wrists. I’m not a puppet, I’m not your doll, I’m a person. A fucking adult now. I’m going to make mistakes, don’t act like you didn’t. You and your fucked up parenting ways lead me to be this way since I was 9. Forgive me for hiding it until I was 15, but 6 years was long enough. 12 years after the first time I cut myself, and you are still going on as if you did nothing wrong, as though this was all my doing, just like I should be the happiest person in the world. I refuse to apologize for not being perfect. I’m fucking miserable. Nothing you can do can go back and undo all the damage the last 21 years have had on me. So now deal with it. You created this monster. After spending 7 years of therapy not letting myself blame anyone but me, all that led to was more and more severe and destructive habits. So now, I’m allowed to blame you, just a little. I didn’t want to for so long, but I am not the only one at fault here. I can’t be. So yes, I AM going to put myself before my family. And yes, I AM going to put my wants and needs before them, you want to know why? Because this family always made me put them before myself, and look what happened. I’m miserable. I hate waking up and knowing I’m still alive. I’m afraid to live because living means working my ass off to meet up to your expectations only to fail and fall harder than before. I am going to put myself before the parents that treated me like their property and took advantage of a girl who was so eager to please others, and so terrified not to do as told, she’d do anything, including cut and starve herself, to feel as though she was her own person, as through she had control over one aspect of the life she hated. I’ve lost control again, over everything besides cutting and starving, so I guess its back to square one. I’m finally home, back to being comfortable in my home of shattered glass, broken mirrors, bloody razors, and pieces of me, scattered all over, never to be put back together again.
thank you everyone, for all your support and kind words. It’s not the end of the world, it was bound to happen sooner or later, and i truly appreciate ya’ll being there to help me when i need to vent :)
Do you ever have one of THOSE days?
Where you wake up and you just feel like the sky is going to fall? Thats today for me. I woke up with a splitting headache toward the back of my head, right in the cerebellum, for no particular reason.
Then, realized I have 938475948375 things to do in the next 2 weeks for this class I’m taking as an independent study for my senior thesis. Shit. And then I went downstairs to eat breakfast and we were all out of bagels. Normally, I’d be fine to just drive to Panera and buy more, but then I looked in the mirror and started to tear up.
I don’t know why, but I can’t look at myself right now. I hate it. I have tried so hard to be optimistic and healthy and everything, but I honestly look like crap right now. Every little freckle, hair, detail, and scar bugs the shit out of me, so bad that I started to scratch at them all for no reason..as if I could scratch and erase them all away..
I don’t know what to do right now, I can’t sleep, even though I’m exhausted, I have a ton of stuff I need to do for school, but I cant. I thought these feelings would never return, but here they are.
I’m going to go work out/run until my brain releases enough endorphins to make me feel stable. If thats even possible. I don’t know. I’m just going to go so I can try to avoid doing anything reckless, maybe its inevitable. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore..
